|
|
|
August 25th, 2005
05:44 am - Same date, different year...same Michael?
It seems very strange and coincidental that today is the first day I've logged into my livejournal, only to find that the last time I posted was a year ago today. So much has changed. I was rambling on and on about Eric, the ex from years and years ago, and how he'd come back into town and we were going to start seeing each other. Well, that turned into a big letdown. He was the same person he was back then, with the same issues and hang-ups about being gay and dating and out and such, despite what he'd said to the contrary. So it was very short-lived. It seemed like he wanted to be closed-door boyfriends again, meaning that I was only his boyfriend when he was alone and wanted sex. But this time around I didn't even let it get that far. I was quickly onto another brief dating experience, and he was a sweet guy. Not right for me though.
Starting in November, though, I started dating a guy named Kavir. And now, 8 months later we're still together. I've moved into a different apartment in downtown Gainesville, with my lesbian (everyone should have one, they're great), my co-worker Brandy. And that's been working out wonderfully. We finally got our internet set up and all that, so I'll be able to get back to my old routine of atforumz, here, and my new addition, myspace. Which, in case anyone is interested, is located at www.myspace.com/linesoverlines. Come visit me sometime. :)
|
August 25th, 2004
10:03 pm - Boys on my left side, right side, and, of course, the middle (and in their dresses)
Please excuse me while I take a moment to be horribly whorish in this post.
Eric is in town. Things weren't as incredibly weird as I thought they'd be. After about two akward minutes when we first saw each other, things went really well. We had dinner last night and talked about old times, recent times, and basically tried to catch each other up on our lives the last few years. He's a little rounder in the face than he used to be, was extremely scruffy, but he's the same old Eric, and he's still as adorable as ever. I found out that he's not here to stay immediately, as I had thought, but he's coming back down to live at the beginning of October. He also said that he'd like to buy me a one-way ticket to Minneapolis for the end of September to spend a few days with him and then road trip back down to Gainesville with his car and his stuff. Sounds tempting. I think I might just do it.
Argh. There's a lot more posting to be done about this and the other things that have happened lately, but I have to cut it short. More updates later.
|
August 17th, 2004
03:53 pm - I feel I must interject here
I'm sitting here, looking at an email that's been in my inbox for several days.
An excerpt: "I am going to be heading to gainesville on monday the 23rd through the 25th... What are the chances that you'll let me crash by your place? hehe otherwise I'll just get a hotel room..."
The sender? Eric, my ex from about 6 or 7 years ago. He's stopping by Gainesville to look for places to live when he moves here next month. Yep, he's coming back. It'll be the first time I've seen him in several years, but more importantly, the first time I'll be seeing him since '99 and we're both single. It was pretty easy to write him off the last couple times because I was with Scott. But now, I don't know. When we were together, it was always an extreme...so very, very good or simply horrible. I don't know how I'm going to react, what's going to happen. It's very scary.
Part of me knows that if I want something to come of this, it will. That much he's made clear to me over our sporadic contact the last few years. And I'm feeling really vulnerable and open to suggestion at the moment, and usually that feeling intensifies when I'm around him. I don't know.
I'm sure that I'm overthinking things right now, and that I shouldn't analyze until I'm in the actual situation. It just feels like there's always been some unfinished business between the two of us, and this is going to be the reckoning of it all.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/shock.gif) nervous
Current Music: Postal Service
|
August 11th, 2004
04:35 am - Soundtrack To Your Life
Ok, so here's the rules if you want to do this for yourself. You have to pick one (and only one) song to represent each of the "scenes" in the movie of your life. And each artist that you choose can only show up once on the list. No fair listing Tori for 6 of your scenes. ;-)
Opening credits: Butterfly Boucher, "Life is Short"
Waking up: Belle & Sebastian, "Family Tree"
Average day: Martina Sorbara, "Claudia"
First date: Dashboard Confessional, "Hands Down"
Falling in love: The Postal Service, "Such Great Heights"
Love scene: Paula Cole, "Feelin' Love"
Fight scene: Ani DiFranco, "Gravel"
Breaking up: Tori Amos, "Cooling"
Secret love: Jason Mraz, "You And I Both"
Life's okay: Indigo Girls, "Shame On You"
Mental breakdown: Rilo Kiley, "A Better Son/Daughter"
Driving: Carina Round, "Into My Blood"
Learning a lesson: Bjork, "Undo"
Flashback: Chad & Jeremy, "Summer Song"
Happy dance: Apples In Stereo, "If You Want To Wear A Hat"
Regretting: Elliott Smith, "Waltz #2"
Long night alone: Nico, "These Days"
Death scene: Natalie Merchant, "King of May"
Closing credits: Neutral Milk Hotel, "Aeroplane Over the Sea"
|
August 8th, 2004
06:56 pm - Hands Down
I had an absolutely amazing, wonderful evening yesterday. I'm still swooning a bit.
And it wasn't sex, so get your filthy minds out of the gutter.
I also realized yesterday that I haven't been logged in while browsing LJ for the last month or two. I always update using a separate LJ client thingie, so I hadn't noticed. I was wondering why there wasn't any juicy stuff happening lately though.
|
August 6th, 2004
08:02 pm - Joys of retail
A conversation I had with a horrible bitchy wretched woman (henceforth referred to as as Thumper) at work today.
*Thumper walks up to other associate at register who is obviously counting money*
Thumper: ARE YOU OPEN?
Me: No, ma'm, she's counting her drawer, I'll be with you in just a moment.
Thumper: *exasperated sigh, walks to my line with her daughter (WT) and daughter's boyfriend (WT2)*
Me: (After ringing her up) That'll be $20.13.
Thumper: *hands me a twenty, digs through wallet for change. Digs through purse* You'd think for me shelling out $20, you could cover the change.
Me: *assumes she's talking to WT, because Thumper obviously doesn't want Insane Clown Posse. Ignores the comment*
Thumper: *stares at me*
Me: Oh, were you talking to me?
Thumper: Yes.
Me: Well, I'm sorry ma'm, but I don't have any change up on the register, or I could.
Thumper: The more you give, young man, the more you receive.
Me: Yes, but if I gave to every customer, I'd be broke by the end of the day. *cute smile*
Thumper: MAYBE you should use some INTELLIGENCE and exercise DISCRETION on when to do it.
Me: Actually, ma'm, I am.
Thumper: *Stunned look*
Me: And I'm busy using my INTELLIGENCE to exercise some PATIENCE right now. *sweet smile*
Thumper: Oh. I, um, was just joking. *finds the change in her pocket. Slams it down on the counter. Leaves in a huff.*
Me: Have a wonderful day, and thank you for coming to FYE!
Haha. That made my day.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/smile.gif) amused
Current Music: Rilo Kiley - A Better Son/Daughter
|
07:50 pm - another sex quiz
Am I horny or something?
It's worth noting that on both quizzes, LaddyOwen is listed as the greatest fuck of my life.
|
07:48 pm
Interesting how these are all lj friends that I haven't had sex with. Yet. Can't say that I haven't imagined it with more than a couple of them though.
|
July 25th, 2004
11:36 pm - Pajama Sunday
It's been a nice lazy day. I've been working almost non-stop for the last few weeks, because Rich, the manager at my store, is on vacation and so the other assistant manager Brandy and I have been taking care of all the shifts. And since two managers have to work every day (except Sunday), it's been busy.
I met someone interesting yesterday. His name is Sean, he's 26, lives in Tampa but is in Gainesville a couple times a week on business. He's very clean cut and wholesome, all-American type. I'm afraid I may be a little too far on the dark side for him. At least I haven't made him listen to Tori yet. Heh. ;-)
Trading Spaces & HGTV always inspire me so much...luckily I'm much too lazy to go out and buy black paint to put all over my walls & furniture. I was *this* close to doing it, too. :p
|
July 8th, 2004
08:07 pm - That's what you said
I had a breakthrough today! The new Wilco album finally "spoke" to me. I'd been really sad about it but I guess I was finally in the right mood and situation, and it was amazing. :-)
|
04:08 am - Only 63%?
Another thing stolen from the always lovely ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) laddyowen
I think this quiz was a little off the mark. Justanothersoul has no desire to ever see me again. But if there's any truth to it, then mike123456 needs to look out. :p
|
03:35 am - Quote of the Day
"And we will meet them. Everybody. We will just walk up to people and know them right away. We will be walking down a dark road and see a lighted house and knock on the door and strangers will rush to meet us and say: Come in! Come in! ...We will have thousands of friends, thousands and thousands and thousands of friends. We will belong to so many clubs that we can't even keep track of them. We will be members of the whole world."
-Carson McCullers, The Member of the Wedding
I don't know why I like that so much. But I do.
Current Mood: still chipper
Current Music: Air - "Cherry Blossom Girl"
|
03:27 am - Blah blah blah ;-)
I just finished reading the new(ish) Margaret Atwood novel, Oryx & Crake, last night and I have so many mixed opinions about it. I think what I really love about her is the way she writes...her ideas & concepts are secondary most of the time. She just has a way with words and often it's like reading poetry in prose form. But this one...I don't know. I think the concept and her view of the dangers of science and technology in the wrong hands (which is simplifying the theme greatly, but it should work for now) took precedence over her usual writing style. It seemed like the plot, story and the "lesson" were more important than the beauty of the writing, and I felt like it often read more like young adult fiction than a great novel. Hmmph...I'm on to "Middlesex", a Pulitzer prize winning novel by the author of The Virgin Suicides. This one is quite the opposite, so far. The writing is tangled in an extraordinary way, and I feel like it's going to be difficult to keep up with after reading Oryx & Crake.
All this reading I've been doing lately has inspired me. I think I'm really going to start concentrating more on my own writing. It's something I've always wanted to do but have never taken the time to work on it. These days I seem to have some extra time, so I might as well take advantage of it.
I also took care of the horniness issue tonight, that I had written about a few posts back. Nothing hardcore - in fact, I was surprised a bit at how satisfying it was, despite its innocent nature. The guy and I have a small history, and until recently I probably would have said some really bad things about him. The one encounter we'd had before was...difficult, to say the least. But I'm learning more about him these days and he seems like he may end up being a good friend, if not more.
It was a good day. I think I may be out of the funk that was plaguing me the last few days, weeks, however long it's been.
Current Mood: chipper
Current Music: Air - "Venus"
|
July 4th, 2004
04:18 pm - Patience, Boy on Strange Days
I love this woman.
Butterfly Boucher
"I Can't Make Me Love You"
All the things I wanna say but I can't ++ All the things I wanna do but I won't
Hold me tight ++ But not too tight
And I'm in knots but you tie me in bows ++ I feel pretty, I know that you care
You're so sweet ++ You're so, so sweet
It's not a hurry that we're in ++ It's the pollen, it's the spring
But I can't make me love you ++ And you can't make me either
Patience, boy, I need it ++ I can't make me love you
Oh oh oh
Paper, pen and a piece of your heart ++ I can read it, but where do I start?
What to do? ++ What do I do?
And I am going but I'm gonna come back ++ And maybe then, maybe this, maybe that
Hold me tight ++ But not too tight
It's not a hurry that we're in ++ There's no problem, that's the thing
But I can't make me love you ++ And you can't make me either
Patience, boy, I need it ++ I can't make me love you
Oh...
Everyday there's something new to hold onto ++ A little more of you
But I can't make me love you ++ And you can't make me either
Patience, boy, I need it ++ I can't make me love you
Patience, boy, on strange days ++ I can't make me love you
Oh oh oh
|
12:16 am - The only way out is through
So Dayron has been driving me a bit crazy lately. The boy knows I like him and care about him a great deal. The times we spent together, the little card I left for him when things got weird, he must know. And from the things he told me I thought he felt the same. But it's so frustrating. He'll talk to me, and then I won't hear from him. He tells me to call him, he never responds. Then he shows up at my work looking like a wounded puppy to say hi.
I've tried to console myself by explaining it as just sex. That he's just a kid, I don't really care about him, and that all I really miss is the time we spent in bed together. And while the fact remains that those times were absolutely amazing, and he made me feel things that I either hadn't felt before, or else it had been so long that I didn't even recognize them. But it was more than that. He and I are such different people. He really challenged me in a lot of ways, and I like that. He is a self proclaimed pessimist-realist, and I know he likes to think the worst of people, because when they let him down, he was already expecting it. And I feel like I let him down.
My friends have told me not to participate in these games with him. I tend to agree with them. But there's something different about him, something special, and it's going to be difficult for me to move on to the possibility of anyone else until things are resolved with him in some way. Hell, I thought things were over a month ago, until he started coming back into the picture over the last couple of weeks.
I think I'll go out tonight, find a cute boy to dance with and maybe have a few drinks. I know I need to get out of the house, that's for certain. Argh.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/confused.gif) confused
Current Music: Alanis - So Called Chaos
|
July 3rd, 2004
11:41 pm - Eight Easy Steps
Wow, what an interesting week. I came home last Friday to my "surprise" party. I got to see a few people I hadn't seen in a while, and a whole lot of lesbians. I got a bit drunk & high at the party, and ended up throwing my love around a bit. Not too bad though. Nothing you'd have to be 18 in order to buy at your local video store. Scott made me my birthday gift...if you look at my LJ Icon, you'll notice that it's a painting by Mark Rothko. Scotty made me a similar painting that has now become the centerpiece of my room. :-) And Stu took me out to dinner at a lovely restaurant here in town that I hadn't been to before. I played it safe and got the salmon, but he got some kind of crazy catfish thing. I'll try to be more adventurous next time.
After all that fun, I had to go to work on Saturday, but came home to another surprise, my friend Pam and her boyfriend Jason were here from Sarasota. :-) I hadn't seen her in about a year, so that was very exciting. And then we got an email from her a few days later saying that Jason had proposed!
Hmm. Then my family came on Sunday, and lavished me with things. Mostly sugary sweet things for the kitchen, and I think I have enough donuts to last me till the end of the year. I finally got a cd player for my car, with an aux port so that I can also use my mp3 player. Used the rest of my money to get the Air cd, which I highly recommend. New bed stuff, a few other things for the bedroom, and some books. The new Margaret Atwood! Which is interesting, kinda strange...but brilliant, as is all her work.
The sad part of the week came on Tuesday. My friends Casey & Mike, the straight couple I lived with last year, moved to Jacksonville. I spent most of the day with them helping them pack up the U-Haul. I really love them, and even though they're only a couple hours away, it's sad to think that they aren't five minutes down the road anymore.
Oh, and I'm really really horny. Just thought I'd throw that in there.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/energetic.gif) bouncy
Current Music: Alanis - So Called Chaos
|
June 24th, 2004
04:28 am - How many fates turn around in the overtime?
Someone told me recently that things don't happen for a reason, people find reasons for the things that happen.
I think he's full of shit.
On a completely unrelated note, it's 4:30am and I'm now awake. All day long was a fight to get out of bed and now, at this time, I'm ready to do stuff. Woo hoo.
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Butterfly Boucher - A Walk Outside
|
June 23rd, 2004
12:57 am - Three days till the big 2-5
It's so frustrating, this growing and changing thing that's part of life. I never thought I'd be the kind of person to say no to a possible relationship because of age. Is it really that important? I guess, right now, to me it is. As I was saying to said person tonight, and I might as well just cut and paste, because I think I was rather eloquent, "i'm a 25 year old guy (almost) that doesn't have an AA yet...i date these younger guys that are 18, 19, 20, whatever and have things together so much more than i do...and it affects me, it really does...call it inferiority complex, whatever...but on the other hand i always feel like i have a lot more life experience than they do, and there's a certain naivete that comes along with that, cute sometimes, but frustrating sometimes." And it's these conflicts that keep me from connecting with these guys. Or at least that's part of the reason. I'm probably putting too much blame on myself. I've been a little down lately so obviously that's how I'm going to see things.
In the good news for the week, as I'm typing this, Stu is in Florida! Not sure exactly where, but just knowing that he's in the same state as me again puts a smile on my face.
Oh, and people are talking about me again. Yay. I love this town.
Current Mood: conflicted
|
June 17th, 2004
11:54 pm - Breathe in for luck...
yeahok has demanded it, so here's a little update. I know I've been in hiding for a while. It seems useless to apologize to people for that, so I guess I'll skip that part.
There's been a lot of boys. Probably too many. When I was last posting I was seeing Brad #1, which has to be the strangest relationship I've ever been in. But it was doomed from the start, seeing as how he was leaving Gainesville about two months after we met and long-distance didn't seem like a good option. I learned a lot of things from him though, and I think I now have a better grasp on what I do and don't want out of a relationship. Then there was Jimmy, who was the perfect guy until he disappeared from the face of the earth and I found out later he's had a boyfriend for over a year. Brad #2 came and went in a week, I'm afraid I broke his heart. The most recent "thing" was with Dayron, who apparently would care about me forever as long as I stayed thin, quit smoking, never did any drugs, managed to see him every single day and never made a mistake.
As you can see, I've been picking them so very well lately. ;-)
I think one of my problems with the whole relationship scene is that I deny my true feelings with guys. I'm an eternal optimist in so many ways. So what if I'm not exactly attracted to him...he's a nice guy and the attraction will come. He's a little needy and clingy? Nah, that's just because it's a new relationship and he's excited. We don't have much in common or a whole lot to talk about? The sex is great. Maybe I'm just tired of all these little games and other things we put ourselves through to date. Maybe it's my age...I'll be 25 next week and most of the people I find that are interested tend to be in the 18-20 category. And as much as I want to say that age doesn't matter, there is a gap. I don't know if it's a maturity gap, or a perspective on life gap, or what, but there's a definite divide between myself and these guys. I think back to when I was that age and then I realize that I was in a serious relationship...so I don't know. It's hard to imagine myself "dating" back then. And I suppose I'm just having to learn how to do it at a later age, without having made a lot of the mistakes I should have back then. It's always just been so easy for me. I used to be better at recognizing who was a good match for me. I don't want to think of myself as desparate for a relationship...I'm fine being single. And I'm not going to settle for something that's less than what I want. Not to sound arrogant or uppity. I'm not talking about lesser guys - I'm talking about lesser relationships. I think all of the guys I've seen lately have been great people. But we weren't great together. /End rant before it's too late.
In other news, I'm now the assistant manager at FYE. More money, more hours. A very good thing. And I'm on music overload recently...the new Tori stuff, Butterfly Boucher, Death Cab, Rilo Kiley, Damien Rice, even some other acts that I'm a little too proud and musically snooty to admit. ;-) And at work is a promo copy of the new Wilco album that my boss has promised to me, but I haven't been able to have a listen yet. Grr.
I'm sure there's more. And I'm sure if I keep up my posting it'll all come out eventually.
Michael
Current Mood: just a tad bit jaded
Current Music: Dashboard Confessional
|
|
|
